Prayer 0112

Lord, would You soften my heart to hear you. I don't want to just do Your will simply because it is right. I want to do Your will from a place of love for You. I can sense that there is a portion of my heart that does not want to submit to You. I don't know why it is there honestly. Maybe from a mixture of past pain, pride, and laziness - I am not sure. You know though. I don't want a hard heart. I know Your ways are better than mine. Better in every way. But still, I am hard hearted towards You - the one who has given me so much. I guess I am asking You to remind me of Your goodness. Remind me of how much You love me so that I can remember why I am following after You. Remind me of your grace and mercy and why it is that You actually do love me. Remind me of the cross of Christ and how much He poured out. I think there is some doubt in my heart too. I doubt that You would use me in the same way that You used Jesus. I seem to keep forgetting about how clean I am in You. Even the word 'used' somehow doesn't seem right. You do not 'use' us, but You work through us as we yield to You. I am a slave only after I have surrendered every right of my own flesh. Only after I count myself dead to me and alive to You. Still though, there is a fleshly piece of me that remains and I cannot seem to uproot it. Another thought I keep having is one of 'I dont even want to be a part of what You are doing on the earth.' Why do I even entertain this type of thinking? I still wish some of what happened over the past 3 years was real. Like, I still am bothered Lord when I see You exalt those pure in heart and young in the faith, because I think how pure I was and how You never exalted me back then. Part of me feels like You have left me in the world's systems and provide for me and my family just enough to get by. It has felt like this whole time I have followed You was only for others to prosper off of my faithfulness. But honestly, what faithfulness do I even have that was not given from Your hand? You have upheld me. You have freed me from many bondages. You have continued to bless me despite me not being able to give my all. I thank You for all of these things. I thank You for always being near to me, even when I really went far off in my heart and head from You. You have loved me so well. Why do I forget so easily what You have done? Why can I not remember all of the times You pulled me out of a pit? Anyways Lord, I love You still. I know You have given me the blood and given me Your very own body. So, afresh I count myself dead to my flesh and alive to You. Will You work through me today? Will You let me see a piece of heaven today, and recognize it for what it really is? Will You keep me afloat, and help me capture those dark thoughts that I have? Will You bless those around me with Your love? I do love You, and cannot even be mad at You, because I know Your true heart. I know how You have love for the world and have died for us so that we can live. I yield today, Holy Spirit, to You. Please speak to me and remind me of all that I have forgotten. Thank you.