thought and prayer

Honestly, I want to just build something cool. Something artistic - in however I want to do it. From a place of freedom. Not from a place of authority. That is what I really want to do. I am wondering if there is a way to build a website for me to sell my art... But that doesnt feel real. It feels like a lot of going to the post office. Jesus, I guess I just want to build what you are a part of. I guess I need to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow after you. In my mind, it would be so much easier to just exalt someone and then have your glory flow from that, but I feel you building me into what I couldn't build myself into. My heart seems far..hard to reach. As though the mind and it are disconnected unless actively fixated on each other. Is that my existence? Simply trying to get the mind and heart and soul and spirit to fixate only on Jesus Christ? Like binding them up until all they know is Him? Couldn't it be more like growing in You? Seasons of pain that contain hidden flowers and riches of Your beauty that surpasses all. So then if we are growing in You, that means we must be resting in You. Resting in faith that you provide. Some seasons feel like You are actively uprooting things in our lives to get us to a deeper understanding or revelation about your mighty hand, saving after the point where we realized that things could be done on our behalf to prevent bad things from coming. Pain in layers, that when peeled back, all point to you there. With us. In the storms and in the dry seasons, you are there. Not shying back from where we really are. Enduring the trials with us, more than us, for us at times. Your love never goes out and always shows up had we forgotten. Sometimes I try to remind myself of your love. Knowing that my current experience is not in line with what I know could be true if I were more in You. So, in the effort of sustaining the things that sparked in the past - we use what we know is left of our strength to try and fixate on your very being. But that is a prison trap of the mind. Because the heart reveals flavors of love, deep places where I know there is more. More of Your presence. More of Your love. More of Your glory. Hidden places. Places where I see no others actively doing the same things. But I know my foresight is so limited. I know that my insight into how you look upon others is skewed and should not be trusted. I just love to look at how You see people. Perhaps my curiosity has to be controlled/regulated by the human-standards and bylaws. The things that have chance to cause adversity if gone against. Like going into the oncoming path of a tornado. But somewhere - deep within that tornado, there is a place where no outside force can reach. A place so secure, because He is there. Jesus himself. I cannot count the reasons that I know that I am not the Jesus promised to return. They continually force me to turn to the present. Who cares what others think of me? Besides me. That is the truth though - I have long asked the question, Who Cares, without taking into consideration my own cares. But Jesus alluded to this life, one where seeds don't prosper, being one full of cares of this world. Where does the line switch from costly consideration to overly anxious because I cannot tell that this path that happens will end in good? So, I have learned to stay present in what actually is. Is it ok for me to be here? As I am. Full of Him, who has become one with me? It should be. And it should be ok for you too. To be completely one with the lamb. Jesus - I love you. Thank you for blessing me with all that I have. Thank you for everything. For real. Encounter, Base, 3S, my family. My dogs and our cats. Thank you for Encounter wednesday night teams. The realest out there. On fire for Jesus and Him alone. So beautiful that I would even be considered to be a part of that. Thankful for Ben - my brother. My pastor. My friend. In whatever order wanted. You are humble beyond words. You encourage me to persist. To stay true to Jesus. If that path is a ministry of pain, then maybe that is what it should be. You tell me the realest things bro. Thank you. Abe, you are awesome. I pray you propser in every area of life. Like real big. You have been a constant normal person in my life for many, many years. Thank you. John, thank you for taking me in and teaching me ways that were beyond my current limit. You continue to amaze me in your ways. I pray blessings over your marriage and over your family. Christina is beyond beautiful. Beyond lovely. You have shaped my mind the most, my love. You are gentle when needed, You don't have to change, unless you want to. I love every version of you. ''See Jesus, how quickly it becomes a list like I have reached some peak while others are still struggling to get up?'' Maybe this is the intrusive thought I need to get rid of. Hudson, is so brave and courageous. His heart just wants someone to really see him. I really do son. I need to more. I love you. Thank you for being a strong post I can rest on. But I pray you can tell me things too. River, you are awesome in every way. Treat others kindly at all times and you will do well in whatever you want to do. I love you. Thank you for showing me myself and for bringing out new ways and new thought patterns. I pray you grace him with more words and expressions that can help him communicate exactly what needs to be said, done or thought about. Marshall, I love you. Please continue to shine son. You reflect God's nature so clearly. Thank you for showing me more of Jesus.